Suicide Broken Down
What happens in the mind
The family I grew up in was not loving, nurturing, and safe as a family is supposed to be. It was chaotic, violent, and filled with addiction. I first became aware I was depressed when I was twelve. I wanted to go to therapy, but this was not possible. By the time I was 18, I was an alcoholic.
On two occasions I attempted suicide: once at age 16 and once at age 21. Though I got sober, like alcoholism, I have never been “cured” of depression, but rather keep it in remission. I have not been suicidal in many years, but the idea of suicide is like a fixture in my brain. A back door that is always there, though usually closed. The creature, depression, sits crouched in the corner ready to open the door when an escape is needed.
The dual diseases of depression and alcoholism remind me of the movie “Gremlins”. When you feed a Mogwai after midnight they turn into Gremlins and if they get wet they multiply. The word mogwai is Cantonese for monster or evil spirit. Depression may cause people to consume large amounts of alcohol in an attempt to self-medicate and feel better. However, alcohol makes the depression worse. It becomes a cycle that feeds into itself gathering…
