Thank you so much for your courage. I recently wrote about my best friend's suicide this past May. But I am also someone who has suffered from depression most of my life. I have been suicidal on many occassions. What I can tell you from this side of it is this: My two daughters were 4 and 7 years old. I was 35 or 36. I was absolutely convinced that they would be better off without me. I couldn't tell you today exactly what my reasoning was, but I was sure that killing myself while they played in the next room was the right thing to do. Mental illness is such a difficult thing to pinpoint because it does not necessarily show on the outside at all. Unlike the bruise on your leg that was proof of your struggle to save Matt. Many of us look like we have it all together on the outside and no one would ever guess. We have spent years learning this. I have lived with this long enough now to have developed an "observer" within who can say "I know this is not right. I cant get to a better thought or place but I know I need help." Twice I have reached out and called for help. Once from the suicide helpline so thank you for posting that also. I know you and your boys will never get "over" this, but I hope you have found a peaceful way to live with it.